Suicide is Selfish! That’s the absolute worst thing you an ever say to someone who has lost a loved one to this type of unimaginable death. My reply: SUICIDE IS NOT SELFISH! As for my Steve, hearing the voices in his head on a daily basis telling him to just “Do it! Do it!” not only made him emotionally unwell, but physically sick. I know that happened because He shared those many thoughts with me after I had him placed in the Psych ward at the hospital. For him, taking his own life was the only way he felt the voices would finally stop. As close as we were, I still can’t imagine what it was like to live in his body hearing the endless, evil recordings telling him to kill himself. I could only stand by and watch reminding him I was by his side when even the sunniest of days appeared to him to be the darkest ones. He felt the most comfortable seeking refuge in our guest room with the blinds pulled down and the drapes closed, leaving no chance for light to penetrate through while he sat in the pitch blackness with his shattered soul. It was that same room where he ultimately ended his struggle, using a gun to pierce his broken heart once and for all.
Steve and I were high school sweethearts. The photo on the left was of us going to our first school dance at just 15 years old. The other photo shows the joy we had reuniting after 35 years apart. However, the reunion was short lived. I found out in Steve’s 20 year marriage to his first wife, he tried to commit suicide 7 times. During the 3 1/2 years after reuniting, he tried to commit suicide 3 times and finally succeeded on the fourth, leaving me to find him when I arrived home from a business trip. As I was questioned by the police who quickly showed up after I called 911, for an unexplained, fleeting moment there was a sense of calm that came over me. I knew right then Steve was no longer in pain from the demons who were his daily companion snickering their evil voices for him to end his life. And knowing how well I knew Steve, I know to the core of my being that it was he that felt selfish all the time, thinking his depression was a burden on me. I loved him to the core of every breath and no amount of depression would make me leave him.
It wasn’t until I started to put the work into my recovery from losing him that I realized, “No! Suicide is not Selfish!” In the mind of a person who suffers mental illness, they feel if they remove themselves from the trouble they are causing, everything would be better for their loved ones. As suicide survivors, we have the ability to be able to teach people to refrain from judgment, understanding that suicide is not a personal weakness or someone’s fault or “selfish”, but that suicide is often a product of mental health and environmental variables that are never fully comprehended even by the best medical professionals and their bodies break down from having tried to remain strong for so long. I choose to deliver this message through a lot of patience and love and make sure Steve’s death was not in vain. I choose to take the opportunity and his experience to gently educate people about why suicide is not selfish. It’s how I choose to honor Steve’s memory and help people never utter those three words again “Suicide is Selfish” to another grieving person who has lost someone in this way.
My sweet Steve did leave me with the greatest gift of all. Being each other’s first love was so special but being one another’s last love was a blessing like no other.
Meg Torrey
